


love of mine, someday you will die (but i'll be close behind)

by WattStalf



Series: cos your love's got the best of me (baby, you're making a fool of me) [41]
Category: Baccano!
Genre: Baccanovember, F/M, It is, THIS IS A THING, general warnings and then some you know the drill, more ladd stuff idk, talks of murder AND suicide, talks of murder talks of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-31 01:47:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8558443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WattStalf/pseuds/WattStalf
Summary: Even if I'm the one sendin' you off, you can't leave me, got it? Whatever the hell it takes, I wanna come with you.





	

**Author's Note:**

> coulda been better, but also coulda been worse? i guess? Idon't know. Following up on a topic I touched on in a Baccano Week fic, and I headcanon I guard close to my heart. whatever

He doesn't understand. No matter how many times he thinks it through, he just doesn't understand. Ladd doesn't understand when things got so goddamn complicated when he's always made an effort to keep them simple, but there's no way to look at this simply and there's no way to make sense of what he's feeling.

 

His feelings for Lua always seemed simple enough, or at least he thought he had managed to simplify them with his plans. He loves her and he has not ever since he first saw her, but not long after that- he supposes since he first really saw her, since she first let him glimpse what was going on under the surface. Ever since then, he's loved her so madly and desperately that he can't stand it, and every day with her has been filled with anticipation and temptation and more intense feelings and sensations than even he thought possible. He's going to kill her one day, and she wants it and he actually likes that she wants it, and that's always been a good thing.

 

_Except._

 

Except he's had doubts. He's had doubts lately that he doesn't understand and that he can't explain, doubts that he can't make sense of that are complicating his end of the relationship. It isn't that he doesn't want to kill her- no, he thinks that that will be the absolute most pleasurable sensation he will ever know- and it isn't that he wishes she didn't want to die or that he wants to disappoint her. No, no, no, it's none of that at all! It's just.

 

_It's just._

 

He doesn't want to live without her because he can't figure out what his life is going to be once she's gone. Is he going to be alone? If everything goes perfectly then, yes, he will be, and even if it doesn't, he might as well be. Everything was disorganized once but it makes perfect sense now and if she's gone, then what? He can't wrap his head around it and he doesn't want to have to figure out what living without her will be like. Honestly, he isn't sure if he's still strong enough for someone like that.

 

There have been ideas, haunting him and demanding his attention, and if he actually lets himself think about it for long enough, and if he actually lets himself take those ideas in, then he supposes they make perfect sense. They would fix it all, wouldn't they? They would make it all possible, and she will not be disappointed and he will not have to be alone. They would fix it all, but the problem is admitting it to her, knowing that she might see through it all, to his weaknesses and his potential failures, and that she will still end up disappointed in him, after all.

Ladd doesn't want her to lose faith in him, not after the way they've built such a strong bond over such a short period of time. She says, she's told him, this is it, this is the first time she's felt these sort of things. He knows that he's special to her for more reasons than just his ability to take her life, and he doesn't want to watch her lose faith in him. It wouldn't matter if it were anyone else; he could brush it off it were anyone else; Lua isn't anyone else.

More than anything, he just doesn't understand how it ever got this complicated, when all she wanted was for him to kill her and all he wanted was to make sure that she got what she wanted. He wants to simplify it, and it seems that the only way to do that is to come clean about his own ideas, his own solution to the problem she doesn't even know exists.

Ladd hints at it, sometimes, but he wonders if he's being too subtle and he knows that this is the kind of thing that has to be discussed explicitly to avoid potential misunderstanding. He isn't shy and he's never been shy, but somehow, he can't find the nerve to speak to her about this so easily, and it takes him more time than he'd like to admit to finally bring it up.

“Say, Lua, you think you might want me to teach you?” he asks her. When she stares at him, waiting for him to explain, he shrugs. “You know! I could teach you how to kill! You can learn from the best!”

“Why are you asking me now?” she asks and, to his surprise, there's a hint of playfulness to her tone.

“Because! Because, my little angel, there's no time like the present, you know? And I think...” What does he think? He can't keep beating around the bush this time, but how can he actually _ask_ her?

“Who do you want me to kill?” She asks him, point-blank, and he knows that she already knows. Lua already knows everything, without him ever having to tell him herself.

“Nobody,” he says. “Nobody, nobody, unless it's a special occasion. Unless, you know, it's the _most_ special occasion. And then we could...”

“You want us to go together,” she says softly, knowingly. There's more light in her eyes than he's used to.

“You know,” he says. “You already know.”

“Ladd, you know you're not subtle,” she replies. “I've suspected for a long time.”

“Oh, Lua,” he sighs. “ _Lua_. I can't- _you_ can't leave me. If you know everything already, you know that's what this is about. Even if I'm the one sendin' you off, you can't leave me, got it? Whatever the hell it takes, I wanna come with you. Or else...or else...I _don't know_.”

“You coulda asked sooner,” is all she says in response, her expression returning to its usual imperceptible state. But Ladd knows what she means, and a grin breaks out across his face. He knows that she understands his fears and his need and that she's understood for a long time and that he hasn't given her ability to read him nearly enough credit. She knows him as well as he knows her, and she knows what it is that he needs from her.

He holds her that night, so close and so tight that she has no hope of ever breaking free, and for the moment, things aren't complicated anymore. Things are, once again, simple, and they discuss in more vivid detail the methods they could use to ensure that they die together. He feels like a weight's been lifted off of him, now that he's shown this side to her, a side that only she will ever get to know, and if he's supposed to feel weak now, he doesn't.

The only thing he feels is content, knowing that he will never have to live without her and he will never have to disappoint her.

 


End file.
